I saw 33 films that were released last year.  Here they are ordered from the least enjoyable to my favorite, with a few words of wisdom about each.

#33: YES MAN

Like Jim Carrey’s Liar, Liar, this film features a main character used to doing one thing (lying, saying “no”) who’s forced to do the opposite (tell the truth, say “yes”). But this one isn’t nearly as believable, and the event that leads to the third act is incredibly stupid.  Also, sexually active old women aren’t that funny anymore, at least not to me.

#32: HANCOCK

The script gets all the blame for this one. What’s there is directed and acted well, especially by Will Smith. The only thing lacking in the script is the failure to deliver a decent villain, instead giving us three lackeys that pose about as much of a threat as Larry, Curly, and Moe.

Instead, the script’s problem is OVERwriting. A “plot twist” is dragged out for ages with a whorish amount of foreshadowing.  It switches genres constantly, throwing in all the cliches that annoy us about them.  And the worst part, the backstory that’s finally revealed sounds like it would make a much more interesting film.

#31: THE INCREDIBLE HULK

Early on it succeeds as an action movie, but once the military knows what they’re dealing with, it would make sense for them to plan accordingly. It’s not even clear if they’re trying to kill the Hulk or capture him.

Once Abomination appears in the third act, the film devolves into two big CGI creatures destroying stuff and punching each other. There’s no tension in it because we have no concept of what will kill, or even wound, either of them.

#30: THE ONION MOVIE

This was supposed to come out in theaters back in 2003 but was just released direct-to-DVD last summer. As a result, some of the otherwise hilarious sketches are extremely outdated (i.e. Britney Spears acting like a virgin when she’s really a sexpot). As you’d suspect from a film that’s a serious of sketches, it’s very hit and miss. But if you like inappropriate humor, you’ll enjoy it.

#29: HANNAH MONTANA/MILEY CYRUS: BEST OF BOTH WORLDS CONCERT TOUR

I did see this with a girl, but not on a date, so it’s really only half an excuse. To me the most interesting parts were when they went behind the scenes and showed how this massive concert tour was put together. This included footage of a radio contest where fathers raced across a parking lot in high heels to win tickets for their daughters. It didn’t show the aftermath of the spills they took, but I can’t imagine it was pretty.

I had the added bonus of seeing it in the El Capitan Theater, which resulted in a very trippy experience. During the last song of the concert, confetti was released, which you could see in 3D. But real confetti was released into the theater, so I couldn’t tell which pieces were real or fake until they either disappeared or landed on me.

#28: HORTON HEARS A WHO!

Ever since Pixar started churning out masterpieces, I’ve come to expect much more from animated films. The story involving Whoville (which exists on a tiny flower) is compelling, but I thought much of the story involving Horton and the other jungle animals stretched the realms of believability, even for animated talking animals.

#27: THE MIDNIGHT MEAT TRAIN

This was an independent film with a very limited release, but luckily I was able to catch a midnight show. How appropriate, no?

I’m pretty sure Vinnie Jones only says one word in the entire movie, which makes him even scarier.

It’s well-paced and has some innovative shots, but the ultimate reveal comes out of nowhere. I imagine that it works much better in the short story upon which it’s based.

#26: INDIANA JONES & THE KINGDOM OF THE CRYSTAL SKULL

If I hadn’t gone expecting to see an Indiana Jones movie, I might not have been so disappointed. Of course, if Indiana Jones hadn’t involved, I wouldn’t have gone to see it.

Still, I was willing to forgive everything up until the monkeys.  Oh god, the monkeys.  And then it kept getting worse.

#25: STEP BROTHERS

I felt like this was rated R simply so the actors could make up whatever they wanted since the script was severely lacking.

#24: CLOVERFIELD

No matter what anyone says, it’s quite a feat to film an entire movie using this method. There were a number of good scares, but I never connected enough with the characters to care if they made it or not. In particular, the guy doing most of the filming was extremely annoying because he thought he was funny and he wasn’t.

#23: AMERICAN TEEN

This documentary follows a group of high school seniors in a small Nebraska town. It’s funny how many of the cliched high school comedy elements appear: geek finding a girl; jock dating a artistic girl and breaking her heart; prom queen being a total jerk, etc.

At the screening I attended, many of the people featured in the film spoke afterward. They’re now in college, so it was interesting to see them look back on their experiences.

#22: BURN AFTER READING

I can’t think of a Coen Brothers movie that I haven’t liked more on a second viewing. That said, I can only think of two that I’ve seen more than once. Still, I could see this one growing on me. Even though there wasn’t much going on, it had a couple of great characters, particularly the total goofball played by Brad Pitt.

I also like to imagine the shocked people who went into this just because it had him and George Clooney.

#21: BE KIND REWIND

It’s not that good of a movie, mainly because not a lot happens.  But it was refreshing to see a film that’s simply about people being happy.

#20: GET SMART

It was nice to see Steve Carrell play a different kind of idiot.  And as someone who was a HUGE fan of the show as a kid, I don’t care that they changed a lot.  The style of that show only worked in thirty minute episodes.  There’s lots of good performances here, but either Hathaway’s character is not written well or she’s just not that funny.  Hands-down funniest part is the cameo by the guy in the tree.

#19: TROPIC THUNDER

Robert Downey, Jr. and Tom Cruise gave performances that I’m sure will crack me up each and every time I watch this movie.  But it doesn’t do that great of a job skewering the film industry.  The fake trailers that open the movie are the only things that are spot-on.

#18: DANCE OF THE DEAD

When you hear the words “zombie prom,” you know right away whether or not this is your kind of movie.  Lots of fun, but it often couldn’t figure out whether it wanted to be outlandishly comical or somewhat serious.  I loved how zombies shot out of graves already running full speed during a cemetery chase.

#17: THE STRANGERS

Most horror movies are guilty of failing to connect you with the main characters, but here the two leads are involved in drama from the very beginning that makes you feel for them.  They also went a surprisingly long time without doing something I thought was dumb given their situation.  It would have been A LOT better if not for the lame ending.

#16: MARLEY & ME

It might not sound like much of a compliment to say that this movie ran its full length without putting in a bunch of stupid stuff that annoyed me, but considering the kind of movie it was, I was quite surprised.  What’s interesting is that for the most part, it’s not about the dog.  But really, it’s all about the dog, because it’s getting the dog that starts the main character down a path different from the one he envisioned for himself, one that he ultimately realizes is much better.

#15: BABY MAMA

I’d watch Tina Fey go grocery shopping, so adding Amy Poehler to the mix was just icing on the cake.  The major plot elements were definitely predictable, but it remained funny throughout.

#14: PINEAPPLE EXPRESS

It did an amazing job of twisting cliches into hilarious contortions.  And Craig Robinson is side-splittingly hilarious.  I wonder how funny it would be if you watched it high.

#13: IRON MAN

A hero has to have charisma, and Robert Downey, Jr. secretes so much that mortal men should follow him around with sponges.  I understand the need to unveil a worthy villain, but the third act falls into the same murky ground as The Incredible Hulk, showing two giant things smashing each other.  At least here we knew what could kill them, and the rest of the movie was much better too.

#12: THE DARK KNIGHT

Watching it for a second time, it still feels unnecessarily long.  The moral elements that Twoface’s character brings into play are the stuff of an ancient Greek tragedy.  But the plotting is awkwardly done, making it seem that he was forced into the story.  If they had figured out a way to make the Joker the only villain, the film would have been much better.  But each time I watch it, I will be haunted by Ledger’s amazing performance, for which he will win a most deserved Academy Award.

#11: QUANTUM OF SOLACE

I’ve heard complaints that this doesn’t feel like a Bond movie.  Well, I say that is a good thing because the typical Bond movie is ridiculous.  This retained all of the grittiness of Casino Royale and continued to show us that Bond is an actual human being with emotions.  And none of the action scenes were too outlandish (save for perhaps the last one) despite being superbly badass.

#10: TEETH

To make any sort of movie about a girl whose vagina has teeth is quite an accomplishment, let alone one as entertaining as this.  The film blends horror and comedy perfectly, but it never would have succeeded without the performance of the main actress.  She plays horrific and comical moments with equal ease, sometimes within moments of each other.

#9: SON OF RAMBOW

One of the easiest ways for a little kid to be cuter is to have a British accent.  But aside from being cute, the film deals with some interesting themes of religion, culture, and family.  The film itself is funny enough, but the film within a film really does feel like it was made by little kids and produces just as many laughs.

#8: FORGETTING SARAH MARSHALL

If this was your typical movie, the antagonist would be a total jerk to the main character and to the girl, making us wonder why she’s with him.  And eventually she would realize it and come running back to the main character.  But in this case, the antagonist is the coolest, funniest guy in the movie, and you might just like him more than anyone else.  To further complicate things, the main character finds a new girl with issues.  Like real life, nothing is clear cut.

#7: FROST/NIXON

It’s impossibly to watch the movie and not see how it must work much better as a play, which it originally was.  That said, it’s fantastic as movie, so I’m sure the play is off the charts.  Kevin Bacon turned in my favorite performance, and I didn’t even know he was going to be in the movie.

#6: MAN ON WIRE

The true story of a man who snuck into the World Trade Center and walked a tightrope between the two towers.  It’s as suspenseful as a heist movie and as fun as a circus.  And if watching the real-life footage of the man having the time of his life on that tightrope doesn’t inspire you, your sense of wonderment is off.

#5: THE CURIOUS CASE OF BENJAMIN BUTTON

The ties to Katrina felt unnecessary, as did the story about the clock running backwards.  But the rest is a gem, a tragic love story that continually shows the lengths someone who loves will go to.  Brad Pitt was born to play this part, as he’s practically ageless.

#4: SLUMDOG MILLIONAIRE

A cynic would call it contrived, but really, that’s the point.  It shows that all of your experiences in life are for a reason and lead to something.  While I didn’t connect with the love story necessarily, I was 100% rooted in the interest of the main character.

#3: GRAN TORINO

It’s impossible for me to picture anyone other than Clint Eastwood in this role.  He may say racist things, but he’s not racist.  At first he seems to hate everything, as witnessed by his interactions with his family and a priest.  It turns out that, though he is bitter and ornery, he believes in fairness and will do what it takes to make sure it happens.

#2: WALL*E

I’ve seen it four times now, and it’s made me tear up each and every time.  Underneath the laughs and earth friendly message is a love story of amazing simplicity yet unrelenting power.  It will stand the test of time.

#1: MILK

It doesn’t bother hiding what the tragic ending will be, instead announcing it from the beginning in order to heighten the drama.  It seamlessly blends real footage with the filmed elements and features fantastic performances by a number of actors, some of which surprised me (James Franco).  My only complaint is that we never saw Josh Brolin character eating a Twinkie.

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